How to Make a Smoothie

Mixing things together is good, especially if those things get destroyed in the process. Consider, for example, bread. It's the trademark of civilization. The traditional recipe for bread goes like this: find some wheat and destroy it; find some oil-producing seeds and destroy them; find some salt deposits and destroy them; add some water to the wreckage and mix it around; kill the whole mess with fire for like an hour. Voila. Bread. Not long after mankind learned to use a blender, this process was applied experimentally to other foods. And probably sometime during the Renaissance, the smoothie was invented. Smoothies have a lot of advantages over bread. For one thing, they're easier. And that's the only advantage I can think of, so let's begin.

How to Be a Minimalist

I want you to take a good look at what's in front of you right now: your computer. Would you die if you didn't have your computer? Nope. "But I need it to work," you say. "I need it for school." Would you die if you lost your job? Would you die if you weren't going to school? Nope. I see it now: the dawning realization. You are an incorrigible hoarder. You have so much stuff that you bought a giant box of stuff to put all your stuff in. You call it a "house." I call it a "liability." Just one more thing that takes your money, sucks away your time, and clutters up your brain and your life. Would you die if you didn't have your house? Not immediately. So it's time for a change. Empower yourself! Dispose of the junk obsession that's ruling your life and you'll find the joy of utter emptiness minimalism.

How to Forgive Yourself for Being a Sagittarius

Some people don't believe in horoscopes. In the scientific community, we have a name for those people: Capricorns. How they could ignore such an overwhelming amount of consistent and rigorous anecdotal evidence is a mystery. Equally mysterious is the life of those born under Sagittarius -- without a doubt, the most untrustworthy and dark-hearted monsters on the face of the planet. If you're a Sagittarius, then you've done some things you regret, and you're often harsher with yourself than others are with you. You enjoy the presence of close friends but frequently feel alone in crowds. You are devoted to self-discovery and intellectual exploration. You feel that your actions have consequences. Some things seem to come easier to you than to others. You like chocolate and don't go to bed early as often as you think you should. You usually breathe air and poop in the toilet. Yes, the life of a Sagittarius is hard, but with some consideration, you will reach the point where you can overcome the burden of guilt you carry and go on to lead a happy and productive life.

How to Annoy Your Waiter

Your waiter is a chump. Really, he's a loser of the worst kind. Who is he to bring you food and tell you to have a nice day? Does he think you're an invalid? Is he in charge of your days? He's not, so don't put up with it. Show him you're the boss by being a pain in the neck. Trust me, nobody ever got good service by being nice or reasonable.

How to Drink Water with Ice In It

Special thanks to his majesty, Prince William of England, for guest writing this post.


When Isaac asked me to write this post, you can imagine that I was chagrined. How could the peasantry of the world not know, from our repeated example, how to drink water with ice in it? "Surely," I said, "You must be joking." Of course, he was joking, but by the time he told me that I had already dictated these directions in their entirety to my personal scribe, and you know how I hate for anything to go to waste. Willful waste makes woeful want. That's the saying. Anyhow, as it is that I've provided these directions already, and Isaac assures me that they will be useful to somebody -- but who? oh, please, who? -- here they are beneath, and I hope this will not be all too educational. After all, one must hold the hope that there are some manners left in our world, civilized as it is.

How to Cope with a Job You Hate

Life sucks sometimes, but it seems to suck the worst when it only sucks from nine to five. Living in dread of your job is a fairly common state of mind, unfortunately. Millions of people suffer anxiety and dissatisfaction with their working conditions. But here's the difference between them and you: now you have a set of easy steps you can use to cope with your horrible job! With these at your disposal, your daily dose of detestation can be decreased by at least a little.

How to Speak Your Roommate's Language

Living with people you've never met can be difficult. Different cultures, personalities, standards, and preferences are almost certain to come up during the course of the year, and not always without conflict. But there are ways to keep things cool. As any Dr. Laura will tell you, the secret to everything is proper communication. You may talk to your roommates frequently, but how often do you really understand them? Probably never. So to get you started, here are some common phrases used by roommates, along with highly accurate interpretations.

How to Comment On This Blog

In yesterday's world, commenting was an easy process to understand. If you had something to say, you said it. But looking through a list of modern comments may confuse you. There are those who still write helpful and important things. But among them are those who have caught onto current styles and fads, distinguishing themselves as cutting-edge and cool--and quickly confusing geezers like you. If you want to be like them, you may find that it is a lot of work. But it can be done. Here are the steps to help you do it.

How to Ask Out a Girl

It's not easy being a man. We have to... ...okay, it is easy being a man. But if you are a man, you will someday be faced with the brutal reality that if you want dates, you have to get them yourself. Asking a girl out can turn the most confident, cool, collected quarterback into a nervous wreck. That leaves people like you and me in a lot of trouble. But fear not. These instructions should help you get that cute girl on campus to agree to spend a few hours with you. And, if you're lucky, she won't fall in love with the quarterback before your big date.

How to Judge People By the Books They Read In Public

We all make judgments, from the time we first see someone until the last time we say goodbye. Nothing other people say or do seems to escape our scrutiny. We judge the food people eat, the metaphors they like to use, the clothes they wear, and the preachiness of their blog posts. Judging is great, so it's important to do it accurately. Today we will the learn the ancient and revered art of judging people by the books they read in public.

How to Write an Effective Resume

If you need a job, the universally important thing to have is a resume. This is, essentially, a list of your most important qualifications--including job experience, awards, and a personality summary. There are hundreds of guides on how to write a great resume. Some of them are very long. A resume is not a script, though. It's a chance for you to present yourself uniquely and professionally before your employer ever sees you. These steps should help you to create a resume that is engaging and effective.

How to Eat an Oreo

Oreos are among the most popular culinary devices in America. They are easily found in almost any grocery store or supermarket. But how do you use one? This question opens up a debate of many sides, each of which is well-defended. However, one of them is right, and the rest of them are wrong. What follows is the right way.

Warning: Improper use of an Oreo cookie can cause severe digestive problems.

How to Prove That Conservatives Are Right About Everything

(This is installment one of the series "Male-Cow Excretions: Politics and Meta-Legal Principles in America". It will be followed with wizened reflections on Liberalism and Libertarianism.)


Conservatism is truly an art. It defies every attempt by experts and politicians to try to apply it to real life; and yet, for the simple, rich folk, it reportedly fixes everything. No one truly understands this phenomenon. Every experiment has failed to produce a single solid explanation. The true artistry, though, is not in finding a single realistic principle in the conservative platform. No, it is in defending yourself fiercely and hotly to anyone who may or may not disagree. This is commonly regarded as the greatest sport to which right-wing citizens can attain. With a little instruction, there's no reason you can't include yourself in the growing assembly of blissful, wealthy people who do this.

How to Read This Blog

Many people know how terrifying it is to stare a blog in the face. Indeed, blogging is related to a higher rate of self-injury than any other activity, including playing "telescope" with the barrel of a shotgun. The cautious reader may prefer lighter forms of self-induced brain atrophy, such as watching The Office or getting married. But with practice, and this exclusive set of instructions, even you can become a relatively safe blog-reader.