How to Make a Smoothie

Mixing things together is good, especially if those things get destroyed in the process. Consider, for example, bread. It's the trademark of civilization. The traditional recipe for bread goes like this: find some wheat and destroy it; find some oil-producing seeds and destroy them; find some salt deposits and destroy them; add some water to the wreckage and mix it around; kill the whole mess with fire for like an hour. Voila. Bread. Not long after mankind learned to use a blender, this process was applied experimentally to other foods. And probably sometime during the Renaissance, the smoothie was invented. Smoothies have a lot of advantages over bread. For one thing, they're easier. And that's the only advantage I can think of, so let's begin.

You will need:

*A blender. There are two ways to tell how good a blender is. First, how many buttons does it have? Don't accept anything less than eight buttons, and keep in mind that at least half the buttons should be labeled with French terms or antisocial behaviors. Second, how dangerous does it sound? If you own a "Hamilton Beach" blender, you should throw it away. With a name like that, it probably won't blend anything tougher than lactose-free baby formula. What you want is something like a "Ninja Ultima" or a "Blendtec Stealth Blender." They sound like they'll kill you in your sleep. Go ahead and get one of those.

*Yummy fruits. Let me be really clear with you on this one. Kale is not a fruit. Quinoa is not a fruit. Tomatoes, chives, and spinach are not fruits. Protein powder is not a fruit. Fruits are things like bananas, peaches, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, pineapples, pears, and bacon. You don't need all of them, but you do need at least one banana and two other fruits.

*Fruit-flavored yogurt. Steer clear of the "lite" stuff. If somebody can't spell "light" correctly, they probably can't make a decent batch of yogurt either. Avoid the "Greek" stuff, too. I don't know why all the yogurt factories are in Greece now. Tax reasons, probably. Just get a Yoplait.

*Artificial vanilla. This stuff lasts forever. Your mom probably has a bottle of it that she inherited from your great-grandmother. Go borrow it. You don't need much.

*Milk. Some people have a preference between skim milk, 1 percent, 2 percent, and whole milk. My preference is this: I'm using whatever's in the fridge and if you start telling me why you like one kind of milk more than another, I will literally take a nap right here on the floor until you're done. Milk is milk.

Directions:

1. Put your fruit, yogurt, vanilla and milk in the blender. Put the lid on. 

2. Find the most violent setting on your blender and push the button. Please note that some blenders have a "smoothie" button. Before you push that button, ask yourself, "Do I want my smoothie in 10 seconds, or in five hecka-boring minutes?" Yeah, that's what I thought. You can find something more aggressive than "smoothie." Try "whip" or "liquefy."

3. Your blender should absolutely destroy all your ingredients in a matter of seconds. If it doesn't, it's your own fault. You probably bought the wrong blender. Or you put something in it that wasn't fruit. Did you put ice in your smoothie? Don't be stupid. You'll get a brain freeze.

4. Pull the blender off the base, take the lid off, and have a swig. Is it tasty enough? No, it's not. Put in some more fruit.

5. Repeat steps 2-4 until your smoothie tastes like thick, fruity success. 

6. If your smoothie is a non-gay color, you did it wrong and you need to start over. Smoothies should be bright yellow, bright pink, baby blue, papaya or milky orange. If it's green, you probably ignored my instructions and added a non-fruit. Why did you do that? Seriously. Enjoy your glass of Whole Foods-flavored depression.

7. Assuming you did everything right, you now have a smoothie. Hide in the garage and drink it as fast as you can. If anyone finds you, they might want divvies.