Some people don't believe in horoscopes. In the scientific community, we have a name for those people: Capricorns. How they could ignore such an overwhelming amount of consistent and rigorous anecdotal evidence is a mystery. Equally mysterious is the life of those born under Sagittarius -- without a doubt, the most untrustworthy and dark-hearted monsters on the face of the planet. If you're a Sagittarius, then you've done some things you regret, and you're often harsher with yourself than others are with you. You enjoy the presence of close friends but frequently feel alone in crowds. You are devoted to self-discovery and intellectual exploration. You feel that your actions have consequences. Some things seem to come easier to you than to others. You like chocolate and don't go to bed early as often as you think you should. You usually breathe air and poop in the toilet. Yes, the life of a Sagittarius is hard, but with some consideration, you will reach the point where you can overcome the burden of guilt you carry and go on to lead a happy and productive life.
You will need:
*A diary.
*A desire to overcome your self-loathing.
*Some friends, to boost your confidence.
Directions:
1. Realize that even though you are a Sagittarius, you can still accomplish a few minor good things before you die. I once had a pretty good peanut butter and jelly sandwich made by a Sagittarius. This proves that all Saggies are good at making sandwiches. Learn to recognize your menial talents and put them to use. When other people appreciate (or at least pretend to appreciate) your skills, take it to heart.
2. Accept that everyone makes mistakes. Spend time with other sinners and hypocrites, so that you can compare yourself to them and learn from them as you conquer your guilt.
3. Keep track of how you feel on a day-by-day basis by writing in your diary. Be honest and open. Don't show this diary to anyone else. It will only depress them.
4. Volunteer. Spending time at a prison may give you some perspective. You'll find that there are murderers, con men and rapists with no sense of remorse whatsoever. This should give you hope. That's your end goal, after all.
5. If there are people in your life who drag you down and bring up your mistakes, try not to do anything that would offend or alienate them. You've got enough on your conscience already. Just try to please everyone, despite your evil desires.
6. Read your horoscope every day. Obsess over it and talk to everyone about it. They will love you for being so well-informed about current events. This will help you to feel like a good person.
7. You could promise yourself that you won't make the same mistakes over again, but get real. You're a Sagittarius. You're doomed to screw up again. So just promise yourself that you won't regret it as much next time.
8. Enjoy your newfound lack of humanity, and try not to give birth to anyone under Sagittarius.
