We all make judgments, from the time we first see someone until the last time we say goodbye. Nothing other people say or do seems to escape our scrutiny. We judge the food people eat, the metaphors they like to use, the clothes they wear, and the preachiness of their blog posts. Judging is great, so it's important to do it accurately. Today we will the learn the ancient and revered art of judging people by the books they read in public.
You will need:
*A place where literate people are likely to be, like a library or a public bus.
*A series of pick-up lines, in case you find a tasteful member of the opposite gender.
Directions (or, Classifications):
1. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen: A girl (always). Probably smart. Possesses at least a moderate level of emotional intelligence. Also a hopeless romantic; probably in love with several men who treat her indifferently. Intimately familiar with fifteen or twenty black-and-white romance films. Spends most of the day daydreaming--stays awake at night thinking about men who aren't interested in her. Cries during movies, regardless of genre.
2. A Brief History of Time, by Stephen Hawking: An intolerable nerd, usually male. Talks at length about his favorite theories in quantum physics, environmental science, erudite computer programming languages, and technological research. Responds in monosyllables to everything else. By college age, is impervious to personal ridicule. Will get more annoyed at you for being a young-Earth creationist than a Nazi. Currently living on Ramen noodles so he can afford the next iPad. Would be living on Ramen noodles anyway; can't cook.
3. Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer: Generally a pre-teen girl with too much eye shadow. Likely to brush you off if you say "Hello" without saving her life first. Prone to say "OMG" and "LOL" in conversation. Incapable of understanding people with any depth or emotional complexity. Unintelligent on a very serious level. Do not attempt any romantic approaches, unless you have fangs or sequined skin. If you become involved with this person, expect to be constantly compared to Edward Cullen in terms of creepiness, physical inaccessibility, and tendency toward deadly situations (all of which are favorable to a Twilight fan).
4. The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins: Thoughtful and intense, but fairly normal, as humans go. Not stuffy or shallow. Pleasant enough to talk to, but eager to return to the book. Probably will tell you plot details without a proper "spoiler alert". Not easily lent to a stereotype.
5. Harry Potter, by J. K. Rowling: Teenager or young adult. Often a little strange, in a way that is difficult to define. Blindingly blunt. Genuinely more interested in their book than in you, unless you can successfully argue a theory that Dumbledore is not dead, or that Draco Malfoy is related to Harry. Owns tickets to national Harry Potter events three years from now. Belongs to four or five Harry Potter fan sites. Has very predictable Halloween habits. Most common words in Facebook statuses are "wizard", "butterbeer" and "Wormtail".
6. Mein Kampf, by Adolf Hitler: Intelligent and ambitious. Respectful of Hitler's logic and intelligence while objectively disapproving of his political ideology. Watches the History Channel frequently. Has a wide knowledge of American wars and politics. Quite opinionated, in an educated way. Generally cerebral. Very interesting to talk to, and liable to give a very good first impression. Plans to become a teacher or politician someday.
7. Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut: Smart and funny. Given to irreverent comments on any subject. Thinks specific words are hilarious. Uses off-the-wall logic that is fun to think about, but impossible to make sense of. Giggles a lot. Does not avoid taboo subjects. Attractive but not jaw-droppingly so. Can be self-centered and smug in certain situations. Already in a relationship, but fun to talk to and hang out with. Does not overreact, except for comic effect.
8. Black Beauty, by Anna Sewell: Quiet, calm and female. Has long, well-brushed hair. Quite attractive. Has good posture. Takes a quietly optimistic attitude toward life. Smiles a lot when talked to or flirted with, but not otherwise. Draws at least three horses per day, with no recognizable differences between them. Generally solitary. May write poetry.
9. Chicken Soup for the Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen: Lacking in self-confidence. Has gentle features and sensitive feelings. Very religious. Looks at you with deep sympathy, whether you have a hard life or not. Puts cutesie, useless metaphors in every other sentence, which oversimplify life and really cheer you up if you don't think about them. Talks about friendship like it is an unattainable wonder that fixes everything.
Disclaimer: These generalizations are all-purpose and unerringly accurate. Exceptions do not exist. Each description applies to every person who reads that book in public, in every situation, everywhere.
