Oreos are among the most popular culinary devices in America. They are easily found in almost any grocery store or supermarket. But how do you use one? This question opens up a debate of many sides, each of which is well-defended. However, one of them is right, and the rest of them are wrong. What follows is the right way.
Warning: Improper use of an Oreo cookie can cause severe digestive problems.
You will need:
*Several packages of Oreos.
*Safety goggles.
You will NOT need:
*A blender.
*Any extraneous ingredients.
*A rice cooker.
*A greased baking sheet.
*An original vinyl recording of Abbey Road, by the Beatles.
Directions:
1. Open each package of Oreos. Currently, Oreos are packaged with a pull tab on top, which you are expected to lift. This makes about 23% of the cookies instantly accessible, and the rest available only by extensive maneuvering. Ignore the pull tab. Using the closest cutting device, your teeth, or brute strength, rip open the end of the package and remove the transparent plastic structure.
2. Line up the Oreo structures end-to-end along the edge of a table or countertop. If you are capable of achieving a land-speed of over 10 miles per hour, you may wish to tape or fasten each structure to the surface beneath.
3. Dismount all smoke detectors within 300 feet of your eating area. Place them outside the stated blast radius.
4. It's important to stretch before any strenuous physical workout. Repeat the following sentence, opening your mouth as widely as you can during each vowel sound: "I like to snarf Oreos, madam." You may wish to do this in private.
5. If your kitchen floor is made of a non-ceramic material, it is recommended that you cover it with corrugated steel plating, or similar protection.
6. Safety can not be stressed enough here. If you have diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, or leprosy, make sure your personal physician's phone number is close at hand.
7. Clear the area at the end of the "Oreo strip". Any loose debris or obstructions will almost certainly kill you.
8. Position yourself at the beginning of the Oreo strip. Many Oreo eaters like to have a solid wall to push off from; your personal preference may vary. Put on your safety goggles and do some final, preliminary stretches.
9. Open your mouth wide and dive into the cookies. If you are doing this correctly, there will be no seam or boundary between one cookie and the next. Sail through each carton, using your arms to adjust your aerodynamics.
10. Once you have reached the end of the Oreo strip, be sure to close your mouth. Adopt a spread-eagle posture to begin slowing down.
11. When you have stopped, carefully check your feet and tongue for any serious burns. Walk or hitchhike back to your starting location.
12. Enjoy your warm feeling of success. Reward yourself with some more Oreos.
