Your waiter is a chump. Really, he's a loser of the worst kind. Who is he to bring you food and tell you to have a nice day? Does he think you're an invalid? Is he in charge of your days? He's not, so don't put up with it. Show him you're the boss by being a pain in the neck. Trust me, nobody ever got good service by being nice or reasonable.
You will need:
*A nice restaurant.
*Thirty one-dollar bills. You will not be giving this money to the waiter. Rather, you will use it to punish him.
*A friend, preferably with a different political persuasion.
*A tax-exempt credit card. You can get one of these from your local charity.
*A good Groucho Marx stare (click here for an example). Practice in the mirror.
*The approximate appetite of an anorexic earthworm.
Directions:
1. Don't reserve your table ahead of time. Just rush into the restaurant with your friend, tell the hostess that there are fourteen more people coming any second, and check your watch frequently as the entire kitchen staff stampedes around trying to put together a table for you. Don't actually invite anyone other than your one friend. You're a paying customer and you deserve to have plenty of space.
2. Sit down at the table with your friend and stare peevishly at various staff members until your waiter arrives. Tell him you're in a hurry because you have an appointment with the urinologist in half an hour. Interrupt him frequently while he tells you about the restaurant's daily specials--ask questions like "How much cheese sauce?" and "What does it taste like?"
3. Order a drink. Don't skimp on the ridiculous details. For example: "I'd like some Coke in a tall glass. It needs to be two thirds Coke and one third apple juice, with the apple juice on top, and a spoon in it. I'll also need a half lime, cut diagonally, and some lemon seeds. For the Coke."
4. While the waiter gets your drink, put your thirty one-dollar bills on the table. When he returns, tell him that's his tip. Then tell him your drink is too mixed and he needs to be more careful while he pours the apple juice. Send it back.
5. Any time your waiter makes a mistake, give him your Groucho Marx stare, lick your fingers, and paw four or five dollars from his tip. Put them back in your pocket without breaking eye contact. Tell him you expect better service at a place like this. If your waiter is flawless, do this on a timed rotation. Every five minutes is ideal. Alternatively, you can blame him for your own problems, like boredom, constipation, eyestrain, or being stood up by fourteen people.
6. The first three times your waiter comes to take your order, tell him you need another minute or two to decide. The fourth time, make an awkward joke about how busy he must be, since he was so slow in taking your order, and ask him where his two thousand other tables are. If you'd like, add to the effect by looking around pointedly (click here for an example).
7. Don't order directly from the menu. Choose a single ingredient from every entrée and tell him you want them all tossed together in a big bowl. If steak or hamburger is one of these ingredients, order it well done. Well done meat takes longer to cook, so this will provide several opportunities for you to complain and shrink his tip.
8. Don't drink more than a little of your apple Coke until you see the waiter coming around to refill drinks. If he asks you if you'd like a refill, say no. Once he's left your table, furtively chug down the rest of it. Then, the next time you see him, stare at him and point at your empty glass.
9. When you see the waiter on his way with your food, bring up a controversial topic with your friend. Make a lot of heated comments and prop one elbow between your fork and your knife while making very enthusiastic gestures. If the waiter tries to say anything, hold up one finger and shake your head, but don't pause in your remarks. Don't move your elbow, and try to hide your enjoyment as the waiter stands awkwardly holding your big bowl of creamed steak-and-raspberry vegetable cake lasagna.
10. Eventually, the waiter will find a way to fit the food on the table. Don't touch it until you've finished telling your friend how evil Social Security is. This should take at least ten minutes. Once you've tasted your food, wave the waiter over and tell him it's too cold. Don't send it back; this gives him a chance to try to make you happy. Just tell him you'll eat it anyway and try to look like a sad bullfrog while you eat it.
11. Don't eat much. Mostly eat the unappetizing parts of your meal and leave the good stuff on your plate, so the waiter can hate you for not eating it. Restaurant policy will prevent him from eating it himself. If he does eat it, he will feel guilty all day, and he will worry for most of a week that you gave him botulism.
12. When the waiter brings your check, tell him you'd like to pay with your tax-exempt credit card. Nobody actually knows how these work or what to do with them. Charging it will require two managers, a frantic phone call, and three pages of technical paperwork. When he comes back half an hour later, he will apologize for the wait. Sigh and give him your Groucho Marx stare. Tell him this is the best service you've ever had. Sign your check, take any remaining tip money and leave.
