(This is installment one of the series "Male-Cow Excretions: Politics and Meta-Legal Principles in America". It will be followed with wizened reflections on Liberalism and Libertarianism.)
Conservatism is truly an art. It defies every attempt by experts and politicians to try to apply it to real life; and yet, for the simple, rich folk, it reportedly fixes everything. No one truly understands this phenomenon. Every experiment has failed to produce a single solid explanation. The true artistry, though, is not in finding a single realistic principle in the conservative platform. No, it is in defending yourself fiercely and hotly to anyone who may or may not disagree. This is commonly regarded as the greatest sport to which right-wing citizens can attain. With a little instruction, there's no reason you can't include yourself in the growing assembly of blissful, wealthy people who do this.
You will need:
*A good, strong breakfast. Something mushy, like a banana, is an important part of this; it will coat your throat in a protective thermal layer, which will prevent heat damage later on.
*A book by Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Bill O' Reilly, or Rush Limbaugh. If some pages are missing, that's okay. You're not going to read it--that would be a waste of time (and also dishonest). You need it for thumping.
*Clothes that look more expensive than they really are. However, you must not at any point violate classic social norms with these clothes. For example, you may think that a clown costume would illustrate your points well, and generally be favorable toward your objectives. It is not. It also creates a health hazard, as many conservatives tend to choke on the big red nose.
*For women, you will need a regular tabletop jet engine with which to apply your makeup.
*Another human being (homo sapiens). This being does not need to know you or disagree with you. He/she doesn't even need to have ears or vocal cords--though most beings do.
Directions:
1. Do not begin yelling right off the bat. While many professionals (e.g. O' Reilly) fare well with this tactic, those of us who do not have cameramen working for us will need to establish some sort of conversation (or other interaction) first.
2. Steer the conversation determinedly toward politics. Sometimes this will be easy, and other times it will not. Just keep trying. One never-fail technique: If the other party talks about something negative, blame it on the liberal government. If the other party talks about something positive, attribute it to the most recent conservative administration. If the other party disagrees with you, demand immediate evidence. Since there is no way for them to provide that evidence, remind them that they aren't checking all their sources and they need to be better informed before they can "talk politics".
Note: Phrases such as "My dad says," "My best friend says," and "I heard" are all indicative of scientific truth, and should be used generously. Phrases such as "Your dad says," "Your best friend says," and "You heard" are great refutations to the other party's statements and should be said as incredulously as possible.
3. Gradually build up your portfolio. At different points, you should mention the economy, the constitution, foreign policy, nuclear weapons, and the corrupt liberal media. Of course, attribute all negative situations to the liberals, all positive situations to the conservatives. Speak as if everything you say is so obvious, it's actually funny to say. Do not say anything actually funny, though.
4. Don't start yelling quite yet. It's not time. It really isn't. You can hold it for a few more seconds.
5. If the other party is white, make sure to call him/her racist. If not, give a lengthy spiel about how you don't think other races should be allowed to be racist, either, even if they do have some natural handicaps.
6. Okay, now start yelling. Obscenities are completely acceptable by this point. Threats, insults and derogatory animal names are good fillers, but mostly you should use expletives. There's a reason your parents told you not to use these words: they are incredibly powerful and persuasive, and thus dangerous in the wrong hands. Enough of these will almost certainly cause the other party to bend to your logic. After a couple of minutes, the other party will be so grateful for the light you have shared that he/she will probably change their voting behavior entirely.
7. You have succeeded; take the other party out for drinks. Make him/her pay, regardless of the difference in your incomes.
