How to Prove That Conservatives Are Right About Everything

(This is installment one of the series "Male-Cow Excretions: Politics and Meta-Legal Principles in America". It will be followed with wizened reflections on Liberalism and Libertarianism.)


Conservatism is truly an art. It defies every attempt by experts and politicians to try to apply it to real life; and yet, for the simple, rich folk, it reportedly fixes everything. No one truly understands this phenomenon. Every experiment has failed to produce a single solid explanation. The true artistry, though, is not in finding a single realistic principle in the conservative platform. No, it is in defending yourself fiercely and hotly to anyone who may or may not disagree. This is commonly regarded as the greatest sport to which right-wing citizens can attain. With a little instruction, there's no reason you can't include yourself in the growing assembly of blissful, wealthy people who do this.

How to Read This Blog

Many people know how terrifying it is to stare a blog in the face. Indeed, blogging is related to a higher rate of self-injury than any other activity, including playing "telescope" with the barrel of a shotgun. The cautious reader may prefer lighter forms of self-induced brain atrophy, such as watching The Office or getting married. But with practice, and this exclusive set of instructions, even you can become a relatively safe blog-reader.