Life sucks sometimes, but it seems to suck the worst when it only sucks from nine to five. Living in dread of your job is a fairly common state of mind, unfortunately. Millions of people suffer anxiety and dissatisfaction with their working conditions. But here's the difference between them and you: now you have a set of easy steps you can use to cope with your horrible job! With these at your disposal, your daily dose of detestation can be decreased by at least a little.
You will need:
*A terrible job. If you can get through each day of work without wanting to defenestrate yourself, why are you reading this article? Go play in the pansies, you jerk.
*Soulless, lifeless, incompetent, unambitious coworkers who seem to be destroying your intelligence one drool-spot at a time.
*Incredibly detached managers who look down on your slavery with stupid, blank stares.
*A workplace that feels like a mix between prison, hell, a Chinese torture chamber, and an abortion clinic.
*Enough willpower to read the rest of this post. If your job is as bad as mine, this is probably going to be really hard. Hang in there, little buddy. I'm rooting for you.
Directions:
1. You could use your breaks at work to wander aimlessly among cubicles and contemplate your own demise. But instead, why not go into the bathroom, stand in front of a urinal, and cry like your dog just died? This is a normal, healthy reaction that can relieve job stress and occasionally evoke pity. Usually not the kind of pity you want, but hey, pity is pity.
2. When you are forced to speak with your boss or a coworker, imagine yourself beating them upside the head. They will take your sudden explosion of grins and giggles as friendliness, and be more reluctant to talk to you in the future. Mission accomplished.
3. Don't drive to work in a crash-tested four-door sedan. Why ignore any possible avenues of temporary escape? Drive a motorcycle or motor scooter and drive it fast. Even better, rollerblade to work, even if your route includes several miles of freeway. If you think traffic tickets are time-consuming, wait until you get arrested for reckless endangerment on a public road. Played well, this can get you out of a whole day and a half of work.
4. Practice escapism at home and at work. Watch funny videos. Look at sardonic pictures of kitties. Listen to music. Suck your thumb.
5. Complain a lot. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and the squeakiest wheel gets a place of honor in the trunk (which, might I remind you, is above the other tires). To remind you of the kind of future you have, literally go sit in your trunk once in a while. Enjoy your metaphorical place of power, because it is probably the closest you will ever get to a promotion.
6. Think about your job all the time and try to spread out the suffering. Complain aloud when possible.
7. Don't lose hope. Everyone dies eventually! That's not the worst-case scenario, but it's nice to think about.
