*A roommate. This does not need to be a roommate in the legal sense; anyone who spends over two hours a day at your apartment may be substituted.
Directions (or, Common Phrases):
1. Phrase: "What do you think of Kendra?"
Interpretation: As I was actively pursuing Kendra this afternoon, despite her long history of total impartiality toward me, she found out that you were my roommate and leveraged my deep and personal feelings to make me promise I would ask you if you liked her. I expect for you to assume an expression of disgust, effective immediately, whenever she is within visible range. If you date her, I will set fire to your bedsheets.
2. Phrase: "I saw that you had made cookies, so I tried one. I hope that is okay."
Interpretation: Upon discovering the batch of Dutch-chocolate twice-baked cookies which you so laboriously slaved over all day yesterday, it occurred to me that the confections might score me some brownie points (pardon the pun) with the girls across the street, whom I don't particularly care for, but who have some very attractive friends. I enclosed all two dozen of the morsels in a Ziploc bag and delivered them to said women, who are currently enjoying them with low-fat milk. I feel no remorse whatsoever.
3. Phrase: "Smells fine to me."
Interpretation: Look, you complained about my Febreeze, my Old Spice, my Axe, and even my Garden Sensations. So I came up with something that's a little more oh-so-natural. If you complain, I will do it again.
4. Phrase: "I might be going home this weekend."
Interpretation: There's a cleaning check on Saturday, right?
5. Phrase: "Kendra and I will be over here this afternoon -- you can hang out with us if you want."
Interpretation: If you value your young and innocent sensibilities, you will remain in your room for the rest of the day, with the door closed and a towel stuffed into the opening at the bottom. I also recommend listening to loud music. I cannot guarantee that you will not be scarred for life if, at some point, you come into the kitchen for a drink and observe our method of "hanging out".
6. Phrase: "Could you spot me a few bucks? It's kind of an emergency. I'll pay you back tonight."
Interpretation: Since you are here on scholarship, I am entitled to all of your financial accounts. Today I am having a mild craving for pregnant lobster-tail, garnished with imported saffron sauce. I will require fifty dollars from you up front, plus fifteen a day in installments. If you ever request repayment, I will regale you with stories of the famously incompetent employers in this town, who refuse to recognize my extremely competitive resume. I will accept your cash payment now, and you should be ponderously grateful that I even take the time to mumble my thanks before I leave.
7. Phrase: "What do you mean, turn it down? This is as soft as it goes."
Interpretation: I don't know why the walls are shaking. Hang on, I can't hear you through the bleeding in my ears.
8. Phrase: "My computer's freakin' out for no reason. Could you fix it?"
Interpretation: I went swimming with it, but I dried it off in the campfire so it should be fine, right?
9. Phrase: "This has been a great year, man. We had some good times--kicking around campus, picking up the ladies, stealing pizza from the club socials...I'm really gonna miss you, man. Call me sometime, okay? We'll hang out."
Interpretation: I have seen professional wrestlers cry about better years than this. You stole my girlfriend, you broke my pizza pan, you ate my pet fish and you drooled on my American History textbook. I force back sobs every time I hear your name. I dream of the day when our connection is tenuous enough that I can delete you from my Facebook friends.
