It's not easy being a man. We have to... ...okay, it is easy being a man. But if you are a man, you will someday be faced with the brutal reality that if you want dates, you have to get them yourself. Asking a girl out can turn the most confident, cool, collected quarterback into a nervous wreck. That leaves people like you and me in a lot of trouble. But fear not. These instructions should help you get that cute girl on campus to agree to spend a few hours with you. And, if you're lucky, she won't fall in love with the quarterback before your big date.
You will need:
*A girl. She doesn't need to be close at hand, but it would be nice if you knew her name.
*A phone. This is optional, but it makes things easier.
*A friend whom you trust without question.
*Plenty of water. A safe amount is 2 gallons, per person, per girl.
Directions:
1. Develop an acquaintance with the girl. Tripping over her on a bi-weekly basis is the bare minimum. She should know your name and give you a sign of recognition (a raised eyebrow is fine) when she sees you.
2. It is difficult to know if a girl likes you. Some girls try to give off "vibes", which are invisible and have no scent, but are potentially fatal if ignored. There is no standard way to intercept these vibes. The FCC has not cleared any specific frequencies for them. So if you think a girl likes you, you may just be receiving an episode of "Teletubbies". The standard solution for this quandary is to talk to the girl whenever you see her, and hope she blurts out her feelings on accident.
Note: Girls do not share a common body language. For example, if a girl looks nauseated whenever you speak to her, it is possible that she likes you. It is also possible that you have garlic breath.
3. When it seems that the girl is finally more comfortable around you than she would be around a hungry gorilla, ask her for her number. If she looks confused, certify that she speaks English and is not Amish.
4. Record the number in your cell phone, if your shaking fingers can do so accurately. Otherwise, sing the number in your head, to the tune of "The Circle of Life" from The Lion King. Sing it over and over again until you get a chance to meet up with your trustworthy friend. Ask your friend to input the number in your phone.
5. In a few days, the shaking should recede, and given a week, you may even be able to breathe normally. Rest until the world seems to be holding still once again.
6. Drink lots of water. You will soon be sweating out of pores you didn't know you had.
7. Put the leftover water in a glass. Give it to your trustworthy friend, to splash onto your face if you pass out.
8. Ask your friend to dial the girl's number and give you the phone. This is where it is crucial for your friend to be trustworthy, or he will ask the girl out instead of you.
9. Try to construct a few proper sentences. Think about things that people normally say when they call each other on the phone. The Gettysburg Address is not appropriate here, even if it's the only thing you can think of. Don't confuse yourself with too many syllables. "How are you?" is a good starting point, but only works once.
10. Ask for the date. You should probably have a day in mind, or a calendar in front of you. If you lose your train of thought, say numbers between one and thirty until you get a "Yes". Try not to sweat too loudly.
11. When the conversation is over, hang up. Do not hesitate to ask your friend for cardiopulmonary resuscitation, if it is necessary.
