How to Make a Smoothie

Mixing things together is good, especially if those things get destroyed in the process. Consider, for example, bread. It's the trademark of civilization. The traditional recipe for bread goes like this: find some wheat and destroy it; find some oil-producing seeds and destroy them; find some salt deposits and destroy them; add some water to the wreckage and mix it around; kill the whole mess with fire for like an hour. Voila. Bread. Not long after mankind learned to use a blender, this process was applied experimentally to other foods. And probably sometime during the Renaissance, the smoothie was invented. Smoothies have a lot of advantages over bread. For one thing, they're easier. And that's the only advantage I can think of, so let's begin.

How to Be a Minimalist

I want you to take a good look at what's in front of you right now: your computer. Would you die if you didn't have your computer? Nope. "But I need it to work," you say. "I need it for school." Would you die if you lost your job? Would you die if you weren't going to school? Nope. I see it now: the dawning realization. You are an incorrigible hoarder. You have so much stuff that you bought a giant box of stuff to put all your stuff in. You call it a "house." I call it a "liability." Just one more thing that takes your money, sucks away your time, and clutters up your brain and your life. Would you die if you didn't have your house? Not immediately. So it's time for a change. Empower yourself! Dispose of the junk obsession that's ruling your life and you'll find the joy of utter emptiness minimalism.

How to Forgive Yourself for Being a Sagittarius

Some people don't believe in horoscopes. In the scientific community, we have a name for those people: Capricorns. How they could ignore such an overwhelming amount of consistent and rigorous anecdotal evidence is a mystery. Equally mysterious is the life of those born under Sagittarius -- without a doubt, the most untrustworthy and dark-hearted monsters on the face of the planet. If you're a Sagittarius, then you've done some things you regret, and you're often harsher with yourself than others are with you. You enjoy the presence of close friends but frequently feel alone in crowds. You are devoted to self-discovery and intellectual exploration. You feel that your actions have consequences. Some things seem to come easier to you than to others. You like chocolate and don't go to bed early as often as you think you should. You usually breathe air and poop in the toilet. Yes, the life of a Sagittarius is hard, but with some consideration, you will reach the point where you can overcome the burden of guilt you carry and go on to lead a happy and productive life.

How to Annoy Your Waiter

Your waiter is a chump. Really, he's a loser of the worst kind. Who is he to bring you food and tell you to have a nice day? Does he think you're an invalid? Is he in charge of your days? He's not, so don't put up with it. Show him you're the boss by being a pain in the neck. Trust me, nobody ever got good service by being nice or reasonable.

How to Drink Water with Ice In It

Special thanks to his majesty, Prince William of England, for guest writing this post.


When Isaac asked me to write this post, you can imagine that I was chagrined. How could the peasantry of the world not know, from our repeated example, how to drink water with ice in it? "Surely," I said, "You must be joking." Of course, he was joking, but by the time he told me that I had already dictated these directions in their entirety to my personal scribe, and you know how I hate for anything to go to waste. Willful waste makes woeful want. That's the saying. Anyhow, as it is that I've provided these directions already, and Isaac assures me that they will be useful to somebody -- but who? oh, please, who? -- here they are beneath, and I hope this will not be all too educational. After all, one must hold the hope that there are some manners left in our world, civilized as it is.

How to Cope with a Job You Hate

Life sucks sometimes, but it seems to suck the worst when it only sucks from nine to five. Living in dread of your job is a fairly common state of mind, unfortunately. Millions of people suffer anxiety and dissatisfaction with their working conditions. But here's the difference between them and you: now you have a set of easy steps you can use to cope with your horrible job! With these at your disposal, your daily dose of detestation can be decreased by at least a little.

How to Speak Your Roommate's Language

Living with people you've never met can be difficult. Different cultures, personalities, standards, and preferences are almost certain to come up during the course of the year, and not always without conflict. But there are ways to keep things cool. As any Dr. Laura will tell you, the secret to everything is proper communication. You may talk to your roommates frequently, but how often do you really understand them? Probably never. So to get you started, here are some common phrases used by roommates, along with highly accurate interpretations.