If you need a job, the universally important thing to have is a resume. This is, essentially, a list of your most important qualifications--including job experience, awards, and a personality summary. There are hundreds of guides on how to write a great resume. Some of them are very long. A resume is not a script, though. It's a chance for you to present yourself uniquely and professionally before your employer ever sees you. These steps should help you to create a resume that is engaging and effective.
You will need:
*A black or red permanent marker.
*Six or seven sheets of heavy paper, legal-sized.
*Several dollar bills.
*Scotch tape.
*Some pictures of yourself as a baby.
Directions:
1. Remove the plastic sheath from the tip of the permanent marker.
2. Write your name in huge, flowery block letters at the top of the first page. Also scribble your phone number and email address somewhere, in case the employer wants to contact you. Put a page number somewhere artistic. Your resume is supposed to be beautiful.
3. Continue by making a list of all your accomplishments, ever. Your employer is going to be receiving several resumes, so make sure yours stands out by sheer volume. Use both sides of the paper and write small. Go in semi-chronological order, but not too carefully, as that can get boring. Make sure you list specific dates. Having trouble thinking of a first one? Try something like "Successfully formed in the womb of a female, species Homo Sapiens: 03/06/1992 at 2:02:13 AM," or "Successfully spoke the word 'NO!': 10/24/1993 at 4:32:19 PM." Always begin with the word "successfully", or your employer may wonder if you actually completed the task in question.
4. Your accomplishments should be listed under the heading "My Accomplishments!!!". A smiley face or two is a nice touch, as it will show that you are humble.
5. Next, under the heading of "My School!!! School is for fools lol", list your preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, intermediate school, middle school, high school, and college. If you ever attended summer school or remedial school, list that as well, with an explanatory note in the margin telling why it's not your fault.
6. After schooling, write the heading "Past Jobs!!!" List each company you've worked for, and your position at that company. If you ever had an unimpressive title like "Dishwasher", make it sound better. "Plate Chef" would be a good alternative, or "Specialist, Department of Cleanliness in the Customer Experience". Your employer will be super duper impressed.
7. The final (and most important) section of your resume is "Professional Profile!!!" Under here you will list what really makes you better than everyone else. Start with "Rich and famous (lol jk)" to show that you have a good attitude. Then write every good personality trait of every person you can think of. You can copy the Beatitudes straight out of the Bible, if you want. Your goal here is to impress the employer. For example, everyone is honest, but not everyone is a mega-genius and can play the guitar better than Jimi Hendrix. So set yourself apart. Be sure to include superpowers, celebrity crushes, and favorite kinds of beer. Keep in mind that the longest resume usually wins.
8. If you run out of space on any of these steps, write in the margins of your dollar bills.
9. Tape the dollar bills and baby pictures to the resume, fold the whole packet twice, and put it in a manila envelope.
10. Write encouraging notes on the outside of the envelope. Things like "I am the best employee in the whole widest world!!!" and pictures of money falling from the sky will be a strong influence on the employer's hiring decision.
11. Congratulations. You're finished! If you followed the steps correctly, you will definitely get the job. Mail in your resume, sit back, and wait for the employer to call you back.
